Radio Episode 1 Annotated Transcript
Transcript: :We present Whose Line Is It Anyway? and here's your chairman, Clive Anderson.1 Right, hello and welcome to Whose Line Is It Anyway? a program of skillful improvisation, spontaneous wit, off-the-cuff wisdom, and an introduction that's gonna take some living up to. And now, as on any good radio panel game, and indeed on any bad one as well, we have four contestants. We have here tonight: * John Sessions, a man of action frequently cast in TV, films, and plays, and always cast in his own one-man show * Stephen Fry, who was recently described as a Renaissance Man by somebody with a very poor grasp of which century we're living in * And Dawn French, one half of French letter, er, French and Saunders, she is, of course, otherwise known as Mrs. Lenny Henry * And we also have Lenny Henry, otherwise known as Mrs. Lenny Henry Now this program is all about improvisation. We have a number of games to play, so why don't we play the first one? Well, why indeed? Annotations: # The name of the person introducing Clive has not been announced. Authors So, the first one is called "Authors". Each contestant is going to come along with the name of an author. They're just busy working out names of authors now. And uh, one of them, in the style of his or her author, Stephen will start a story, and uh, the others will continue as I signal them to carry on by using this buzzer which makes this noise, buzz. But the story they do will be coming from suggestions from our studio audience. So, has anyone got a suggestion for the name of a story. It can be something quite simple. : Bison I think it was "bison", or, you know, "wash hand basin", something like that. : Cars burning Charles Burney? : Big cars burning Lenny: Big cars burning Big cars burning. Yes. Stephen: Have you had something since, will you, possibly? We're starting off with easy ones for you. A story about big cars burning. Could you wrap that around some sort of a story? Stephen: Yes. And let's find out who your authors are Stephen: P.G. Wodehouse, yes It was going to be? It's still going to be? Stephen: It'll have to be. So that's Stephen's author. Dawn? Dawn: Um, Claire Rayner, my heroine Lenny? Lenny: Uh, I'll do Stephen King, the horror. And John, John Sessions? John: D.H. Lawrence D.H. Lawrence, right. So, Dawn: Oooooh, he's a bit of a swab, isn't he? Yes. But which bit, we're wondering. So, can we remember what the story was? Oh, yes, Big Cars Burning from the rather irritating... Lenny: Thanks a lot, pal, by the way. I'll get you later. So, take it away, Stephen, in the style of P.G. Wodehouse. Stephen: I awoke one morning, and Jeeves shimmered in with the old pick-me-up, uh, and told me that Aunt Dahlia had been on the telephone telling me to come down at once in the Hispano-Suiza to her little place in Shropshire just outside Market Snodsbury. buzz Dawn: Of course, if you find yourself on top of a big car burning, um, my advice would be to uh, make sure you check your age, and uh, do it carefully with a condom. buzz Lenny: "Aagh, aagh, aagh, aagh" as he opened the car door, a claw came out and ripped his face off. He couldn't even find his car keys. He just reached and reached. It wouldn't start. Suddenly, a demon appeared on the body. "Hello! How are you?" buzz John: Tom and Anna Brangwen held each other's bodies closer, closer, wrapping enfoliate 'round each other, diving, thrusting, lower, biting. Plumed serpents rose, driving, fiendish, unfortunate really. They were in a Chevy Nova going over a cliff, way down. buzz Stephen: I say, steady on, old screen. I say, Jeeves, um, do you smell something rather peculiar? buzz Dawn: Are you sure you're old enough to smell that? Are you sure? I think you should check that you both love each other, and I think you should check that your dangly bits are the same size. buzz Lenny: Everything was dangling from the car. buzz John: The car was rotating, rolling, pounding down the cliff and still their bodies were entwined like old-fashioned pottery, leaping like snakes around each other. buzz Stephen: No, I said a stiff martini, Jeeves, a stiff martini. buzz Dawn: And when I, when I say stiff, I think you all know what that is. buzz Lenny: Suddenly, flame erupted from the engine, and the big car was burning. Our hero didn't know what to do, and so he shut up. buzz John: Jeffrey Archer suddenly pushed D.H. Lawrence out of the way and noticed that... buzz Thank-you very much, thank-you. Well, I have to award points for the performances there. I'll give you all five points each, but one off from John Sessions, down to four, for mentioning Jeffrey Archer. I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were in tonight, sir. Right then, let's play another game then. This is a good one. Wrong Theme Tune It's called "Wrong Theme Tune". Ah, it's called this because the wrong theme tune is played. Now each, uh pair, yes, Dawn and Lenny are going to be acting out a scene from The Money Programme, but they're going to do it based on this theme tune: : theme A house, with a door, one, two, three, four. Ready to play? What's the day? Lenny: It's Thursday. Hello. Dawn: Hello. Lenny: Today, Big Ted has got his little piggy. Dawn: What does he keep in his piggy? Lenny: Innards? No. Dawn: No, money. Lenny: His little pennies. Dawn: Can you spell that? Money? Lenny: Yes. Dawn: Let's go through the round window. Lenny: These are some men pulling a bank job. Dawn: They're making money. Lenny: Can you say "Brink's-Mat bullion"? Big Ted says, "Crime does pay." buzz Thank-you very much. Well then, on that anarchic note, I think ten points each. So, let's zoom over now to John and Stephen who are going to be covering the state opening of Parliament sort of TV special, but in the line of this theme tune: : Cricket theme Stephen: G'day. John: Welcome, welcome, and it's really quite an extraordinary day. It reminds me of a marriage about four hundred years ago between Don Bradman and Harold Sweetman(?) wasn't it? Stephen: That's right, it's and uh, you know, it's a wonderful day for it, in fact. It's been raining all morning but the uh, covers have just been taken off the Lords. John: I'm certainly um, slightly confused by the colors of the costumes. Usually, the chaps are in white, and today they're dressed in gold and scarlet. Stephen: Very attractive sight indeed, and the queen now, she's gone in, and she's started now, and she's speaking clearly and firmly. What a marvelous delivery. John: Oh no she hasn't. Um, but she's pulled the bails out now, she's running, running, panting. My word, that shirt is open to the waist, remind of Harold Larwood back in 1932, and shes done a beautiful googly straight up toward Black Broad now. It's bounced straight into his googlies. Back again, twirling down, down now towards Lord Chumley. Stephen: Quite extraordinary sight, this, here at Lords. Um, this has been going on for hundreds and hundreds of years, uh, and still no decision has been made. buzz Yes, that was magnificent. I could have listened to that all night. Certainly it seemed as if we were going to. Now, but uh, nonetheless, I'll have to give eight points each there for a spectacular performance, uh, state opening of Parliament. Every Other Line Now we'll go on to "Every Other Line". This is a reasonably complicated game, working in pairs again, and we'll start off with Lenny and John. They're working a pair. One person, and in this case it's John, has the script of a play. It's a real play, which was written in advance for us by Oscar Wilde. It's called Lady Windermere's Fan. He'll be reading lines from that, but Lenny won't be; he'll be acting his own scene to go along with it. Does that make any sense? And the scene he'll be acting is trying to tell a mafia boss that he's just killed his daughter. Okay? And what I'd like from the audience is a last line to that scene for Lenny to be working towards. Have you got a nice snappy last line anyone can think of? : "Oh no, not again!" "Oh no, not again!" Well, there you are. It is a good job after all Jeffrey Archer was in. So let's, oh thank you Jeffrey. So if you can start off, Lenny, and then John will come in with his lines. Lenny: Godfather, I show you a lot of respect. John: Don't you want the world to take you seriously then, Lord Darlington? Lenny: Godfather, I kiss your ring. John: Oh well, we all want friends at times. Lenny: Godfather, me and Vito went to the mattresses yesterday and... John: You think I'm a Puritan, I suppose. Lenny: Well, it could be bad news for you in that... John: Hahahaha, my dear Lady Windermere. You think the age very bad? Lenny: We shot Shirley. John: Put it there, Parker. That will do. Lenny: We shot Shirley, your daughter, Godfather. John: Ah, nowadays we are all of us so hard up, that the only pleasant things to pay are compliments. Lenny: And Sonny said, "Oh no, not again!" Brilliant! Well, I think John gets five points there for a brilliant reading, and for a skillful working towards the last line there without a shadow of a join, uh, no points to Lenny. So, alright, now let's change around, obviously now Stephen and Dawn. Dawn'll be doing the reading, and Stephen'll be doing the acting. Dawn is going to be reading from Lady Audley's Secret by C.H. Hazlewood. I'm sure you've all read that before coming here this evening, so you can check we're not cheating. And, uh, this is a job interview, so you're acting out a job interview. Yes, and the audience are going to give us a last line. : "That's all you get, personal services." Okay, go ahead. Stephen: Um, yes, well, what makes you think that you're qualified for this job exactly? Dawn: Indeed. And did he tell you why I was coming? Stephen: Well you, you wrote it out for yourself asking if you could have the job. Dawn: For what? Stephen: Well, as I understood it, installing pocket valves. Dawn: And where is your husband now? Stephen: I think we may have already crossed lines here, Mrs. Galvaney. I'm looking for someone to install pocket valves into my new system. Dawn: Robert Audley is bent... Stephen: Yes, well, that's why we sacked him. Not a matter of prejudice, but just a matter of convenience Dawn: No, no, it's getting late. Stephen: Yes, that's right, and I've got six other people to see, so... Dawn: No, no, not tonight. I can't sleep without it. It's my nightcap. Stephen: I see what you're driving at now. You uh, you want me to provide something extra, don't you? Dawn: Send your husband to me. Stephen: Yes, I thought so. Personal services, yesss, mmm, ish. buzz Yeah. Again, I think Dawn French deserves a good five points there for the reading, and you almost got to the uh, the line there Stephen, so maybe one mark off, yes, no, okay, no, give one mark off, one mark off. Yes, very good. I'm just making these numbers up off the top of my head. Two Characters But can we return to Stephen and John to do another game now, where I think you two are going to be playing two favorite characters? And you're going to be rambling on in those characters with a topic from the audience. Um, what are your two characters? John: I'm Professor Hugh Trevor Morton from Queens College, Cambridge. Stephen: Oh yes, and I'm not. I'm another professor from another college altogether, and we are both professors of English. And what would you like the two professors to talk... : Baked beans! What was the other one? Baked beans or what? Alright. You've got a choice here. You can either do baked beans or baked beans. John: Oh Wild West Wind that blows and blows... Stephen: Belly, thou never worked. I have ten more and then I, it doesn't rhyme! No, he always had a kind of deafness, Shelley, when it came to the rhyme. I remember there was one of his, do you remember, on the discovery of America. John: Well, Thomas mentioned was there in Greek because you see he was using it all the time, you see. Stephen: That's right, the haricot bean, the haricot bean... John: The haricot bean, the haricot bean, the haricot bean, and ipso facto, you have been. Stephen: Yes, that's right, yes. It kind of serves as a self-involved, reflexive, philosophical proof. John: Absolutely. It totally add your mapping to the fact that if you have a baked bean tin, you are as it were a punt. And then a member of the faculty was saying in modern linguistics the other day, that of course Thunas and Barnoth, as in Heinz and beans, refer right back to the Sun God of Assyria, and at the same time to the Scandinavian god of flatulence. Thank you very much. Thank you. Let's go on with your two characters. Now what are your two characters? Lenny: Um, this is Wayne. Dawn And this is Sharon. Lenny And they're on their first date. Yes, Wayne and Sharon on their first date. And what would they talk about? : Double glazing! I always said this would be done better without a studio audience. And I think we're going to prove it now. So, yes, okay, Wayne and Sharon, first date, talking about double glazing. Lenny: So it's nice here, init? Dawn: Yes, lovely here, hehe. Lenny: Nice windows. Dawn: Yes. Do you think they're double glazed? Lenny: Well, I don't know. Dawn: They might be. Lenny: Are you a fibber? Dawn: No. Lenny: Are you a fibber? Dawn: No. Lenny: Have you got a fiver? Dawn: No. Lenny: Well, you could drop it down, see? Dawn: Yeh. Lenny: Just like that geezer used to do. Dawn: Who? Lenny: Ted Moll. Dawn: Who? Lenny: Ted Moll. Dawn: Who? Lenny: Drop the fiver. Ted Moll. Drop the fiver and it detects any of the wind, you know? Dawn: Well, I said that. Lenny: I said fiver, or an helicopter. Dawn: So, what, you put a fiver... Lenny: In the helicopter. Dawn: And then. Lenny: And if it detects the wind, it blows around, proves you got the double glazing, you know. Dawn: And it's Ted Bodger who said that? Lenny: Ted Moll. Dawn: Who? Lenny: Ted Moll. buzz Well, I definitely think twenty points all around there. Improvising a Rap So, well now we will go on to "Improvising a Rap". This is a musical item, obviously. When each of the performers will improvise a rap with the help of a drumbeat. Have we got a drumbeat coming on? And have we got to get a topic? Can't hear a word. Bra? Spiders! How 'bout animals, how 'bout animals generally if we've got some spiders? Animals! Let's do animals. Lenny: I feel good! I went to the zoo, walked down the street Opened the door, and guess who I should meet? A tiger came and bit off my leg And I'm gonna walk back home again It's the animal rap Dawn: I like animals; I like Pekingese I like them a lot with their stupid knees I like everything; I like a snake And I don't if it's a fake Stephen: I find it rather hard to get to sleep So I tend to spend my time counting sheep I've got plenty in my bedroom One on the walls, one in bed, one curled up in my lap John: I like the Man from U.N.C.L.E. not the Man from Atlantis But I like to make love to a praying mantis They're down on your leg, down on your feet They go after those sheets til they bleed, bleed, bleed I said Damn Lenny: Aw yeah, feel good Oh that's alright, I'm enjoying this I like to go hunting, there's no denying I'd like to stick my gun into a big lion I'd like to get down with a big fat sheep I'd like to do something else and then go to sleep Dawn: I like all sorts of animals, especially cats I like them if they're thin; I like them if they're fat I like other animals; I like a dog But one thing I wouldn't do with a dog is snog Stephen: I once went to bed with a baby llama Although it didn't matter 'cause he didn't tell his mama I then went to bed with a bird from Carolina But it did matter because it was a minor buzz I think we can "rap" that one up there. So I think we'll give fifteen points to everybody except somebody I'm gonna take against, Stephen. I'll give him only five. Change of Company Now, we're now going to go on to a "Change of Company", which doesn't mean that we're going to get rid of all four of you, though it's quite a good idea. In fact what the performers are going to do is to perform, um, a story, something nice and simple, and it's going to be, I think, Goldilocks and the Three Bears. So they're going to perform that through, but at crucial points in it, we're going to change 'round just the way that they're doing it by changing 'round the people who are doing it. So, for example, how 'bout a dentist performing Goldilocks and the Three Bears? Now I don't know why that should be. So, we'll start off with you performing as though you were dentists. Any other suggestions? : Football commentators Football commentators, excellent. Anybody else? Beauticians. Beauticians, yes. Policemen, very good one. : Nuns!! Nuns, yes, is that, is that, do you want a silent order or a not silent order? Any others? Astronauts, that's another good one, I think. Deejay is another one I had as a suggestion earlier on. Is this a full list we've got here? Right. I think Stephen, are you going to play Daddy Bear? And Dawn, I've got you penciled in as Mummy Bear. And if John, if John, you could play Baby Bear. And Lenny, could you play Goldilocks? Starting off, what did we say we were going to start off with? We were going to start off with dentists, a rather different one just to begin with. Stephen: Right. Alright. Open wide, now that's the door. And um, buzz Okay now go onto policemen. Stephen: Alright then what'd you eat for breakfast, Mrs. Bear? Dawn: Well, there was some John: 4536. Come in 4536. Dawn: I've detected some porridge. Stephen: Porridge. John: Porridge. Well, we'll do our porridge then. Dawn: That's what we'll do. Stephen: This porridge is hot. Dawn: You're right, it is! John: I don't know who finished it. Stephen: This is definitely buzz I guess do cavemen getting on to this going for a walk. John: Gunk, let us leave the cottage. And rub oil into your bodies until you look like tandoori chicken. buzz Okay, I think Goldilocks is about to arrive, and can we do it as astronauts. Lenny: I'm coming into the house now. This is one giant step for a girl with blonde hair and ribbons. Let's just sit on this chair. Too hard. Let's leap over to this one. Too soft. Let's try thi...pffft. Zero gravity beams and the chair was completely broken. Let's try this porridge. Mmm, I'll eat it all up, it's just right. And now, to bed. buzz Okay, so I think we should have the bears coming back, or thinking about it, as football commentators. Stephen: Yes, well, the porridge should be completely cool by now. John: Aw, it was a great bit of porridge when it went on the plate, old Daddy Bear. When it came back again, there was just no way that mob was gonna go around it. Dawn: It's wonderful porridge. It's wonderful porridge. It's wonderful porridge. Yes! There's no porridge left. Stephen: Wait just a moment, just a moment, it looks as if somebody, I couldn't tell quite who he was, I didn't have a chance to see him, it looks as if somebody was tasting this porridge. John: A very good chance the porridge has been touched, and there's no way the boys can come back from that one. buzz You should be about finding Goldilocks now as deejays. Stephen: Right, and with the time fast approaching coming rapidly up to, it, uh time to go to the bedroom I think, so... Dawn: Yes, that's a marvelous suggestion there from Marjorie of Kingsbridge, thank you very much. buzz And can we end the story as Australians. Dawn: Waltzing Matilda, Waltzing Matilda. Stephen: Struth, there's some kind of bear under my bed. Dawn: Forget that, let's have the lager. John: Hi guys. What say we go downstairs and have some tucker? Stephen: That's a good idea. I've never heard it spelt like that before. buzz Sticking rigidly there to the story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears I think five points each. World's Worst Now let's, I think this is the last round, isn't it? Gosh, doesn't time fly when... and the last round in fact features me as a party host, or having a party, and a succession of the worst possible people in the world are gonna turn up to my party. And as each one comes in, as soon as we've had a bit of fun, then my doorbell will go. It'll sound remarkably like my buzzer. So imagine me at a party. We're having some gentle tinkly party music. Stephen: Is somebody smoking in here? Because if they do, I'm sorry it's not the person, it's just I'm allergic. If I somebody smokes I turn into a rancid bigot. buzz Dawn: I'm uh, sorry Clive, sausages on sticks? You know I'm vegetarian. I'm offended by that, Clive, honestly. buzz Lenny: Uh, hello. I live over the road. I saw the lights and everything and I was just wondering. Look, I've got this can of lager, and I was just wondering if it'd be alright if I just came and hung out for a while, you know, 'cause uh, I like parties, hehehe. buzz Stephen: Can I ask how much you paid for this house? Cuz you know, mine's sort of end of terrace in this area. See, I bought one about ten years ago. It's gone up now. Oh, it's gone up beautifully. I could sell mine now for eighty thousand; I paid only forty for it. buzz John: I remember a very good party I had maybe, oh, ten years ago, and we got lots of Alexander Brothers playing, and maybe a bit of Moira Anderson, and sit round and have a good dance and a good chat. We wouldn't have sex or anything. buzz Lenny: You gotta come upstairs quick because Barry's been sick in the to... buzz Stephen: Honestly, size couldn't matter less. It really isn't important. buzz Dawn: I don't know if you saw my last telly. It was a marvelous, marvelous thing I did. It was in the Howards' Way. I played a small yacht. buzz Stephen: I'm not sexist, but women are, they're different! buzz Dawn: Hahahahaha, you wanna do what to me? buzz John: I couldn't help noticing that uh, as I was coming up the path, that you've got gladiolas in the front garden, and um, when I first met my wife, when we actually went out, I proposed to her, and we had gladiolas on the table. Isn't that something? buzz I don't think we can cram any more of these idiot guests into my party. So, that brings to an end this week's programme. Just leaves me to give final points for that last round. And if I give five points each, that would bring the scores up to what? Oh, very exciting scoring, this. Dawn: Think carefully. Think carefully Clive, before you give the points. Oh and it does look a bit very close, all on low 70s, Lenny, John, and Stephen, but Dawn wins it with 79 points. And I wasn't even responsible for the scoring; that was Mark Leveson adding up the scores for us, and that completes our programme for tonight, so it's good-bye from all of us. Good-bye. : Whose Line Is It Anyway? featured Stephen Fry, John Sessions, Dawn French, and Lenny Henry, and the chair was Clive Anderson. Starring solos at the piano and additional material was provided by Martin Booth. The show was devised and compiled by Mark Leveson with the producer Dan Patterson. Category:Radio Episodes Category:Annotated transcripts